Thursday, September 08, 2005

celebrity knife fights: week one!

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welcome to the very first in another set of weekly installments, called "celebrity knife fights". it's where the committee selects two combatants [and sometimes teams] not to engage in fisticuffs, but to partake in a bloodbath. in other words, who would survive a knife fight? this week, we have two rival bands, two musically prodigious singer/songwriters, and one openly gay thug vs. a closet gay thug in the main event.

match one: art brut vs. bloc party-
if you're a fan of either of these bands, then you already are aware of the club brawl between the two lead singers of these bands. kele [lead singer/guitarist of bloc party] allegedly threw punches at eddie aggros [lead singer of art brut] and tried to kick him in the chest.

bloc party's stats-

pros: they have four members, two of which [kele and matt, drummer] look like they've been in a couple brawls, one [gordon, bassist] who looks like he could hold his own, and one [russell, guitarist] who looks like he would get at least one punch in. they don't look like they've been in too many fights, but look like they wouldn't mind being in one.

cons: eddie aggros is quoted as saying that kele "punches like a girl". there are also rumors questioning kele's sexual orientation [which doesn't really matter, because i've seen gay guys throw down]. plus, russell looks like he could get at least one punch in, but no more than three.

art brut's stats-

pros: there are five members in art brut, only four in bloc party. one of the members is female, but those females have no reservations when it comes to going straight for the balls with a crisp pair of doc martens.

cons: the entire band, collectively, looks like they've only been in two fights in their entire cumulative lives.

they're outnumbered, but i have a feeling they would still kick ass. when you're the only black guy at an indie rock show, you have to fight sometimes. trust me. i know. advantage: bloc party.

match two: john vanderslice vs. sufjan stevens-
two of the most prodigious talents in independent music today, sujfan and john also have two of the most critically acclaimed releases on 2005.

john vanderslice's stats-

pros: a good number of his songs include lyrics alluding to alcohol consumption. drinkers make great barfighters.

cons: getting him drunk enough to be willing to mess up his hair.

sufjan stevens' stats-

pros: stevens has publicly admitted that on his best behavior, he his exactly like john wayne gacy jr. when you can compare yourself to a serial killer, you get non-refundable gangsta points.

cons: sufjan is a christian man with a really thin voice. sometimes, if you're not vocally aggressive, then you're not physically, either.

two words. serial. killer. advantage: sufjan, by a considerable margin.

main event: karamo [from the real world philly] vs. the game-
bethanne and i both noticed at the vma's that game has a butterfly tattooed on his face. i'm not sure if that's some sort of gang affiliation [i'll have to google it when i'm done], but i'm sure that doesn't help your gangsta cred, no matter how many times you've been shot. karamo is openly gay, which means he's had to to a lot of fighting in his life. when you're black AND gay, the deck is stacked against you.

karamo's stats-

pros: like i said, i'm sure openly gay thugs have to fight a shitload, due to the amount of harassment they get. i'm pretty certain that karamo has a reach advantage on game.

cons: if he's afraid of the FUCKING WATER, then i'm sure he'd be afraid to throw a punch, let alone get into a knife fight.

game's stats-

pros: you all know the story. he's been shot nine times, got in beef with 50 cent and one of his homies got shot, he's reported as being a former [or current] blood; blah, blah, blah.

cons: he also has a reality show past. ask jeeves about his appearence on the game show "change of heart".

i'm sorry, but there's no way karamo would win. even if game was openly gay. advantage: game.


Blogger No Frontin' said...

sorry for my outburst, i thought you were trying to be a dick. i now realize you were just trying to educate so please accept my apology.

1:13 AM  
Blogger No Frontin' said...

also, if this post were simply about who's better i'd say Bloc Party and John Vanderslice by a mile.

1:28 AM  

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