celebrity knife fights: week two (long-awaited!)

Hello all! This is Bethanne, co-writer for Clever Titles Are So Last Summer and Douglas has been kind enough to have me on as a contributor of some sort. And I feel like a jackass for not posting in this until now.

As you might have asked "What is she doing here?", it's all about the celebrity knife fights. And as a guest commentator, I've decided to contribute three knife fights of my own (and thus give Douglas some much needed inspiration when he comes back in a few weeks) for shits and giggles. Two of them are supposed "beefs" between shitty bands and no-talent popsters. The title fight tonight settles the age old question every indie music snob and hipster has on their mind. Let's get to it, shall we?

Round 1: Benji Madden (Good Charlotte) vs. Kelly Clarkson

It came to light via MTVnews.com that Benji - being the one who isn't dating Hilary Duff at the moment - said some pretty nasty things about Kelly on his "band"'s website, well. That's not very nice. Though he may claim to be punk and could have the upper hand, you just don't mess with Texas. Kelly might be sweet and innocent, but her fingernails are sharp and they can claw out anyone who tries to talk shit about her.
Prediction: Kelly by a fingernail. Benji all shredded up like a cat's scratching post.

Round 2: Fall Out Boy vs. The Killers

Oh what do we have here: two bands on the same label that are in a good old fashioned temper tantrum fight because they feel their record label is focusing more on one band than the other. Obviously, the Killers have already had their beef with the Bravery and that's fine, but given that Fall Out Boy instigated this fight and that their songs are nothing more than three-minute suckfests for emo girls to cry to now that Chris Carrabba is pushing his thirties (or should be pushing up daisies). Plus, as we saw with the first knife fight, people who have nothing better to do than bitch about others over the internet are teh suck.
Prediction: The Killers. Obviously. Fall Out Boy would be stabbed like baked potatoes before they were ready to be cooked.

Main Event: Ben Gibbard vs. Colin Meloy

I know what all of you are thinking. CAN SHE BE THAT SERIOUS? Yes. Yes I am.

Let's consider this: Ben Gibbard is a good songwriter, but with the fact that he wrote the worst song of the year (so far - "Someday You'll Be Loved") gives him a very big strike. But he's also in the Postal Service. That's a potential for letterbombs and special deliveries. But Colin Meloy is a natural born pirate. Not only can he tell a wicked story about surviving in whales, but with the extensive vocabulary (hey, english majors rule! *points to colin, then points to self*) and the wicked ability to slash and dash his way through a pirate ship proves that he can fit right in on the set of the next Pirates of the Carribbean sequel. Bonus props for the other songs dealing with theater-geek issues and long-lost loves that - SURPRISE! - don't have to rely on cliches and corny words. (again, english majors rule!)
Prediction: Colin can wield a sword - both of metal and of lyric - and it goes right through Ben's heart. Sorry kids.

I tried my best. Here's to hoping Douglas comes back soon.